Sunday, February 19, 2012

"Nobody Knows You When You Down and Out"

Sometimes a broken lightbulb can be fixed, but when you flicker out, even for a moment, it's like no one wants to know you. And can you blame them really? Everyone's just looking for happiness, be that material, love, money, selfless volunteer. Sometimes you get stuck in a cycle of self-doubt, self-blame, and self-hate. And then it's like the muddiest area to stand in, hard to get out of, and messy to be in. I personally own a house in that muddy land, paid off and mine. Though the other day, something snapped inside me. Not the bad kind of snap where I lose it and go crazy on Pittsburgh (I hate that word "crazy"), but a good snap, one where something just clicked in my brain. Frustrated and bored with how my everyday had turned in to an endless stream of bad days, my brain and body almost decided by itself that it had had enough. So I packed up practically nothing from my house in the mud, locked the door, and went into the sun. I used to hate the sun as a teenager. I grew so pale and felt like I didn't deserve those rays. My mother desperately wanted some sun in my life, she even got one of those sunlights and would ask me to sit under it for a few minutes (which I never did). Now I almost crave the sun. It just makes you feel better. Not to mention if you are always cold like I am, it's a sure way to warm up. Now while you still won't find me sunbathing at the beach or on anyone's rooftop, I now feel the suns purpose for happiness.
Another thing that switched in my head was something that Guy said. He said, "Don't scratch that itch" Itch meaning phobia, panic attack, jealousy, self-doubt or anything negative that you need reassurance on. That reassurance will only feed that negativity so it will be stronger next time. Just let it burn out and it will disappear and you will realize the real things that matter.
Now I don't want any of you to worry, I'm not turning into a bundle of extreme happiness and stop writing the sad songs that I write haha I still have alot of sadness that needs to come out through song and will probably last me the rest of my life. I'm just saying that it's exhausting to live everyday under such a dark cloud. I mean, it sucks when it rains everyday right? It's like getting cabin fever in your head. Let me out. I'll still have days when I'll go walking back to my house and sit there for a bit, but I don't have the desire to stay there anymore. Why do that, when life really is so short in the long run. There's so much good music, good food, places to visit, things to try, people to meet, shows to play. Alright, I'm going to sign off before I smile myself to death. Goodnight and sweet dreams.

~Morgan Erina

Bessie Smith "Nobody Knows You When You Down And Out"

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