A learned sheep is still a sheep

When I think about how much my life has changed since I graduated from college two years ago, I often wonder what would happen if me circa 2009 and me today met for coffee.

This is nothing new and I'm sure I'm not alone.  My entire life I've looked back at my former self with pretty harsh judgement.  I'd see yearbook pictures, read old journals, or listen to tapes I'd made and think, "Thank God I'm not like that anymore.  What a tool."  And then, of course, a year later I look back at the kid who said that, and say "Man I thought I was cool then?  What a tool."  It never really stops.  If I read this blog post in 2013 (for some reason), I can be sure the reaction would be pretty much the same: "Tool." The only way I can salvage my ego from general devastation is remembering that pretty much everyone I know feels the same way.  Like most people, I'm completely un-self-aware, and I pray that the way I see myself, past and present, is not how the world sees me.

But I'm actually talking about something sightly different.  My character has shifted since college, but probably not much more than any other two year period in my life.  The more drastic changes has been to my worldview.

I was good at school.  Pretty much my entire life, but especially from high school on.  I got good grades, did well on the SATs, and pretty much cruised through my college classes at Carnegie Mellon University with straight As.  In no way am I saying this to boast, just trying to show the whole picture.  I admit, I subscribed to the theory that my grades and test scores entitled me to something from life.  I'm not sure exactly what, but I always had the sense that I'd be okay, because  look at my SAT scores!  I wasn't the hardest worker but I tried to stay on top of things. I think my talent was figuring out what was expected and delivering exactly that. It was artless and boring.  My senior year of college, when pretty much every student in my percentile was applying to grad school or $100K-a-year jobs, I ran and hid from it all.  I couldn't do more school.  I had grown so numb to the rote method I'd been applying, and to the meaningless success I was having.

So instead of filling out applications I spent my time tinkering with pianos, writing songs, and playing guitar.  Irresponsible, right?

Well, in the short term it actually was pretty irresponsible.  I had a degree from a top university and nothing else.  It turned out no one really wanted to hire a linguistics/music major, regardless of GPA.  So I worked jobs I could have gotten right out of high school.  Remember the 2010 Census?  Those people who knocked on your door if you forgot to send in your forms?  I was that guy.  I had some fun with it and go off-script, too.  I'd knock and say, "Ma'am, I'm from the government," which was technically true, and just watch their faces.  Then there was the Starbucks musician cliche.  Yeah, I might have made you a latte between June of 2010 and May of 2011. A lot of good my education did me.

Since graduating I've come to believe, as Seth Godin's writes in Linchpin, "Being good at school is kind of like being good at Frisbee."  It's great to have, but it's not the answer. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to my parents for making my education possible.  If I could do it again I wouldn't change anything because I couldn't have known what I know now; I had to go through that to discover it.  I'm questioning the whole system of institutional education, not anyone's decision to exist in it.  The truth is I've learned more since graduating college-- about music, culture, and life-- than in the four years I was there.  Meeting people, collaborating with Morgan, and playing in this band taught me much more than formal education ever did.  To quote Billy Costigan in The Departed, "All due respect, Mr. Costello, school's out."  Amen.  Thank you, Music, for saving my life.

-Guy
www.brokenfencesband.com
facebook.com/brokenfences
@broken_fences

Keep going...

Its no secret that we all suffer at some point. I used to think I should keep it to myself, and not let anyone in...but that's no way to live. It's better to be honest, even if that truth hurts you and others. I really want to talk about panic attacks. This shouldn't be a subject that is taboo. Many people have panic attacks, and being one of them, I feel like I should say a few words on the subject.
First off, here is the definition of panic attacks: A panic attack is a sudden episode of intense fear that develops for no apparent reason and that triggers severe physical reactions.

That pretty much sums it up in a little nutshell, but it's so much more. It's definitely hard to describe a panic attack, especially when it's different for everyone. So I can only describe it from my point of view.  It's a tightness in the chest, and a choking in your throat. It's heart hammering, it's spacing out. It's shaking, and irrational thought. It's a mind moving so fast you can't see straight. The more you think about it once you're in it, the worse it gets.

Just like everything, to get better, the mind needs to be trained. And I am/have been working on this for a while now. There are some days when I feel like it's all better, and some days where I take a million steps back and feel like I've made no progress at all.

To train ones mind takes alot of hard work and patience. It doesn't happen overnight, as much as you or your friends want it to. It takes coping mechanisms such as breathing steady, and placing your hand on your chest to help slow down your heart. Figuring out why they even happen in the first place can be frustrating. As for me, I believe that it's just genetic. Which on some days, seems like the worst. Would it be better for it to have been just one traumatic experience, that you could fix and be done with it? Mostly I  think so, but at the same time, I have been through some extremely tough experiences. So maybe it's just a bunch of traumatic spells that led me here. The best thing that I have found that helps is distracting myself with a movie, or cooking, or playing guitar. But sometimes they are so bad that I forget everything completely. I forget that I can even play guitar. It's like you get lost in a long tunnel and you are scratching at the ceiling, trying to get out, but you can't because the ceiling is made out of brick.
It's not fair to me or to loved ones.

I feel like this is a topic that I should discuss because one of the most important things to me is not feeling alone, and I don't want anyone to feel alone. Don't get me wrong, it's good to have alone time. I'm talking about loneliness and feeling separate. It eats me up inside knowing that I've made others feel alone because I withdraw while having an attack. But it also eats me up when I'm feeling alone whilst in the attack or not. I have found great relief from just reading about others online who go through this. I love reading their stories and finding myself agreeing with everything they are saying. They are going through the exact same things as myself, and I find comfort in the fact that there are others out there who deal with this every day. Which brings me back to why I wanted to discuss this subject. I'm not going to hide this fact about me because I want to bring that relief to someone else. My greatest dream is to while not only succeed with my band and in music, but to help people with it. So I made a pledge with myself a long time ago that I wasn't going to hide these things about me. What if one day, a young girl or boy hears a song of mine, and then reads up on me, and they find out that I suffer from panic attacks, and they do too. What a relief it will be for them, to know that someone goes through this but they have also made a life.

I imagine a life full of warmth, music, dogs, and love. If I read that sentence about three years ago, I would not recognize myself. But I do think that I have served my time and deserve that warmth and magic that I so desperately crave. No one should have to suffer forever. I'm not better yet, but I'm hunkering down to work hard at losing this part of me. Perhaps I will read this very post on days that I feel like the world is ending, and I hope others do as well.

I am thankful for my friends who stay on the phone with me, and who come over when I need them too. I am thankful for Guy and his patience. I am thank for Louie, the dog, for just being a great dog. I am thankful for a good, very zen job. And I am thankful for myself, because I have alot of music to offer, and love to give.

We should all learn to be lighter (in our hearts, NOT in our weight, ha)
Enough with heavy hearts, it's time to shine and be free.

p.s. I'm interested in getting a tattoo to remind me to be free, if anyone has any ideas, please feel free to message me on facebook, or email me at Morganerina5@gmail.com

www.brokenfencesband.com
facebook.com/brokenfences
@brokenfences

AcoustiCafe: Pittsburgh's Treasure

There's a weekly gem in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. It is called AcoustiCafe.  It is really nothing more than an open mic...

Morgan on the cover of the City Paper playing at AcoustiCafe

I know, I know: most artists hear "open mic" and immediately tune out--myself included.  You think of lousy crowds of self-centered, competitive musicians, a shallow talent pool, and an overall lame time.  Or, at best, a good time with a few other musicians, but with nobody else really listening.

But ask any touring artist who happens to be passing through Pittsburgh on a Monday night, and they'll tell you: AcoustiCafe is unlike the rest.  The consistent level of talent we see on a weekly basis from locals and touring acts is remarkable. But what makes it truly special are all the non-performers who come every week just to listen.  Without them, I have no doubt AcoustiCafe would deteriorate into another low-rent talent show.  The crowd has a musical sense that I find is uncommon in the music club scene: they know when to sing and when to shout, but they also know when to shut up.  When Morgan and I have a good set, there can be nearly a hundred people in the room and you can hear a pin drop, yet if it's a sing-a-long, every voice joins in.

And the mainstays that make up the community of artists-- Mark Dignam, Brad Yoder, Judith Avers, Joy Ike, Paul Luc, Bear Cub, Pete Bush and the Hoi Palloi, Joel Lindsey, Jimbo Jackson, Clinton Clegg, Ben Shannon, Tim Ruff-- I could keep going, but I'll inevitably leave great acts out.  There are dozens.  These are brilliant artists and these are great friends.   Not only do we listen to each other, we play and sing with each other.  Eric George (the resident "drum slut") and Nathan Zoob (the guitar man) have been known to play on more acts than not on a given evening, making it decidedly difficult for them to get drunk (I feel for you, dudes).  Morgan and I are often invited up to sing songs we've never even heard before.  I'm incredibly grateful for this communal atmosphere.  We really owe Broken Fences itself to AcoustiCafe.  It was the common denominator that led to this band forming last year.

We're hosting this Monday, Feb. 13, so come out and play, listen, drink, and have a good time.  The theme is relationship songs that are NOT love songs.  See you there from 7-11.

http://www.facebook.com/acousticafe

-Guy
www.brokenfencesband.com
facebook.com/brokenfences
@broken_fences

Going it alone (DIY or DI-die)

Am I going to look in the mirror in five years and see a musician or a sleazy marketer?

Start with the obvious: the music industry has changed and continues to do so.  Music bloggers and advice-givers often talk about the old model versus the new model.  In the old model, you write your songs, play where you can, and hope you get heard by the right person and eventually hand-picked for a record label.  It was kind of like winning the lottery.  As a band or singer-songwriter playing your own music you really had no shot to make a living without distribution, and record labels were the ticket-holders.

That model still holds, but only for a very small minority of artists, and sadly only a small minority of those artists end up benefiting from the relationship in any lasting economic way.  So it should come as good news to artists like us that we need not depend on major labels anymore to "make it," but can do it ourselves.  The new model consists of establishing a fan base through a combination of live performing and social media marketing, and then monetizing the relationship with your fans.  The big buzz-acronyms are DIY (do-it-yourself) and DTF (direct-to-fan).  The new way to make a living playing music.

The problem with all of this is that there's a reason they stuck with the old model for 80+ years:

Artists SUCK at marketing. They just want to play their tunes.

We're no exception.  If we haven't made it clear up to this point in writing this blog, making our music is our motivation for just about everything we do; we live and breathe for it.  So I'm sitting here TWEETING (never thought I'd be saying that), wondering, is this poisoning my creativity?  Am I "selling out"?  Don't get me wrong, nothing makes me feel warmer and fuzzier than hearing from and engaging with fans.  Whether on social media or in person, there's nothing I'd rather do than talk to someone who was moved by our music.  But it's all the politics, the "who you know," the branding, the website building, merch ordering, and yes, ass-kissing that, if left unchecked, can really wear on the spirit.  We have to keep after all this and keep our live act in shape and keep writing songs and work our day jobs, and dishes and laundry and groceries and exercise and vet visits and taxes and I'M JUST ONE PERSON!

Quit bitching.  Lots of people have it harder.  You get to play music.

Phew, that was close.

I found this article of Jack White quotes, which helps me power through, and I always have good old Louis C.K. to keep things in perspective when I turn into a winey, spoiled hipster.  Don't want to be that guy.

I think I'll play guitar now.

-Guy

www.brokenfencesband.com
facebook.com/brokenfences
@broken_fences

Half Written Song

We've all left things half-finished. Usually it doesn't feel good to do so. And then usually you forget about it and move on to something else. Songs are like that sometimes. I have a tendancy to just write a song in less than a minute, because sometimes things, feelings, thoughts, just need to get the hell out of me. But on occasion, I will start a song and then leave it half finished. Either I get fed up with not knowing which direction to take, or frustrated at the fact that I don't even know what I'm writing about. Or even that I just plain don't like what I'm doing. When this happens, it's best to just walk away and come back to it later. This goes for any project, or work assignment, or school essay. You just need to give it and yourself distance and space, and most likely you will feel inspired later in the day. Or the next day. With my songs left undone, when I come back to them, they usually turn into something that I like. It may not be my best song, and I might not even share it, but it's done and it's out of me. I wish I could do that with alot of things, not just songs. I tend to leave a lot of things half done. And it sucks. It doesn't feel good to do. So starting now, how about we all just see things through. We'll probably feel better about things in the end.

-Morgan Erina
www.Brokenfencesband.com
Facebook.com/Brokenfences
@broken_fences


P.S. Episode 2 of our video series is posted
HERE

www.facebook.com/brokenfences

Music: the elephant in the room

Before I get into the post I just want to let everyone know that you should read the last one from Morgan.  I think she captured the frustration and self-doubt a lot of us feel on a day to day basis, so check it out, it's not long.

I just got a text from our engineer/coproducer Dave:

"I did a super rough mix of 'listen to my voice'... get excited dude."

Dave's not one to gush or overreact, so needless to say that left me feeling warm and fuzzy.  We're zeroing in on a date and venue for the record release in May, so this concept is becoming more and more a reality.  Just wanted to share my excitement about that really quickly.

Being a artist, especially an aspiring band, is a different experience than most people have.  Many people have passions and hobbies, and that can even include making art, but there is a fundamental obsession, or belief, or mantra--I'm not sure what you call it--missing from "normal" people (no way could you call me or Morgan normal, or almost any other artist we know for that matter).  I'm sure Morgan and any real artist would agree that no matter what we're doing, even if it's something we enjoy, there's a voice telling us that if it's not music it's not really what we're supposed to be doing.  I love baseball and fishing, but if I had a choice between a week of baseball and fishing but no guitar and a week of making lattes (thank the gods those days are over) with the guitar waiting for me at home, I'd have to opt for the lattes.

In tuning and repairing pianos I am lucky to have found a way of making some money for myself that I can put up with and even utilize some of my musical skills.  Morgan has had more trouble on that front, in that every day job she's had to endure has been just so incredibly--not music.  It looks like now she's finally found a job she can take some personal pride in.  But, while we might not mind, and even sometimes enjoy the practical jobs that are facts of our lives, music is always the elephant in the room.
-Guy
www.brokenfencesband.com

(yes, I google imaged "elephant in the room")